The solution as the problem

Reading time: 3.5 min

While studying computer engineering, among other things I learned more and more to look at the world and at other people as problems to be solved. Having an abstract mind is beautiful — it has always allowed me to approach everything from different angles and to find original, quick solutions to challenges, both my own and other people’s.

However, that clarity for solving problems frequently led me to hand out unsolicited advice, trying to rescue everyone from their conflicts. Some people appreciated it; many others didn’t.

For years I didn’t understand what the problem was — why don’t people like receiving useful advice? Recently it finally clicked. Through a flu. It happened that every time I shared how unwell I felt with people close to me, I received an avalanche of strategies: “you should drink tea with honey and lemon”, “how’s your vitamin C?”, “take propolis, it never fails”. All I got was advice, and my frustration kept growing. I realised that what I was looking for, above all, was connection — dialogue mediated by a warm bowl of soup. Advice sometimes doesn’t create connection, because it can land as “here’s your solution, now off you go”. What I wanted was to be heard. Because when we speak and someone listens with openness, we can discover what we feel and what we need.

But the lesson went deeper through this situation: a friend wanted to help me by giving me advice. I didn’t consider that help, but I never let her know. She kept insisting, hunting for solutions. I kept insisting on steering the conversation elsewhere.

I grew very angry with this endless cycle, but I didn’t express it, so as not to be inconsiderate, inattentive or insensitive towards my friend’s good intentions; and I chose to stay silent for fear of her reaction. What I failed to understand was that by not expressing my needs I ended up being inconsiderate, inattentive and insensitive — not only towards myself but towards her as well.

It dawned on me that when facing an uncomfortable situation, our first reaction is to try to help the other person out of it as quickly as possible (sometimes what we’re really after is not feeling the discomfort their pain causes us). Nonviolent Communication introduced me for the first time to an alternative to this reaction: empathic listening. We practise being present, accepting the other unconditionally, and having no rescue plan. This creates the space for transformation to happen on its own, for discovering the current state of things, and for beginning to communicate directly with one’s own inner knowing.

Now I’m able to tell my friends when I want to be listened to and when I’d prefer advice — which also has its place — and having that freedom makes me feel better immediately. When I find others in trouble, I simply ask: how can I be there for you? What do you need?